Two years ago, I was an agoraphobic who would rather stay inside my home than have to deal with the anxiety that came with being away from it. How ironic then, that only a year later, I would be forced to spend most of my days confined to it due to illness.
Lately, I’ve been trying to readjust and remember why there is no reason to live in fear, whether it be due to an illness, or a pair of watchful eyes. At times, I get so comfortable with my situation that I forget the reality – that reality being loneliness. It is only natural to feel lonely as we all crave moments of intimate and meaningful interaction with each other, something that electronic devices I often drown my agony im simply cannot provide.
After graduating from high school, my past friendships began to fade. With little to no opportunity to meet new people, my social circle has grown incredibly small. It was never that big to begin with, but now I can comfortably admit it without shame.
Writing has proven to be a nice filler. It is something I enjoy, but I confess that it will never be able to fill the hole. While my illness makes it rather difficult to develop new relationships or even maintain my current ones, I feel I’ve begun to hide behind it. I feel that I have been deliberately keeping my distance from others for a while now, and that my illness only permits it.
Still, this year, I have been completely honest with myself, and I believe that is the first step to overcoming this. Though I may be ill, I still hope to find a friend who cares for me, and that when the time comes, I will be able to show them the kindness I couldn’t show others in the past.
Truly, I have grown tired of living in my own little world, and wish for change. The most painful part of my illness is watching everyone else carry on while I simply wait for better to come. But as they say, good things come to those who wait. Though I have yet to find a kind friend, I’ve already found the greatest friendship: one in God.