Lately, I’ve been out of it. Truthfully, I’ve always found it easier to distract myself than to tackle things head on, and that’s exactly what I’ve been doing. I’ve been using my passion as a distraction. Originally, I started writing for myself- not to please or impress another. Now, I can’t help but feel that something has changed. Some would call it selflessness. Others would call it losing yourself. In this case, I’d call it both.
Writing once was an outlet for me. Now, my goal has changed. I want to inspire others. I want to change someone’s life. These were all innocent thoughts at first, until they became perverted by the desire to please others. I find myself on the verge of becoming someone I loathe, seeking validation in numbers and forgetting the reason why I do this in the first place- because I love it.
I can no longer afford to keep fooling myself into thinking that my illness has not affected me in some way, when in fact, it has affected all areas of my life. These days, I spend most of my time alone- so at times, a distraction is much needed. My life has pretty much been put on hold, so writing proved to be a great distraction. But when all you’re doing is distracting yourself, there comes a time when you start to feel empty.
I can no longer lie to myself. Sometimes I get tired. Sometimes I get lonely. Sometimes I just don’t know what to do with myself. This is my reality. But regardless of my situation, there’s a part of me that always remains hopeful. Without God, I would have no hope, and therefore no reason to keep on pushing.
In a way, being alone has been a blessing. It has given me a better understanding of myself and of relationships. I’ve learnt that I have choice. I’ve learnt that there’s no reason to rush things, and that there’s more that life than romance and dreams. I don’t want to waste my life obsessing over the future when I don’t even know when I’ll meet my end. I just want to focus on what’s happening right now, so that’s what I’m going to do.
That aside, I don’t think I’ve said this in a while, but thank you all for supporting me. Don’t be afraid to drop a comment or an email by me.