Confessions Of An Ugly Girl

It was a new school year. Naively, I thought to myself, this is it. This is the end of my misery.

Much to my dismay, nothing had changed at all. Even in a new class surrounded by new faces, I was still the same shy, acne-scarred girl I was the year before.

I remember it clearly, how the person who’d spoken to me in Biology class was called a fool for choosing me to be his partner rather than the obviously much more attractive girl sitting next to me. Apparently, my unattractiveness deemed me unworthy of being included and more worthy of being left in the dust, without a partner.

All the while these things would happen to me, and I’d either stay silent so as to feel safe, or lash out and prove that I was indeed ugly, both inside and out. There was no winning here; not with the biggest critic of all living in my very own mind.

Now at present, I wish I could say that these memories don’t hurt. I wish I could say that they don’t matter anymore. But the truth is that all the words have had and still continue to have a profound effect on me. The only difference now is how I choose to use that pain.  Today, I choose to use that pain to share the love God had shown me during my time of need and use it to uplift those who may be hurting as well.

Now, I can honestly say that I no longer the ugly girl,  but rather, fearfully and wonderfully made by a wonderful Creator. Thanks to Him, I am learning to forgive my rejectors and appreciate the beauty He has given to me – even when the rest of the world calls me ugly.

But the real beauty of it all is that, in being ugly to the world, I have learned to find meaning in greater things. I have learned to love, to sympathize and to look beyond the surface.

In my pain and many reflections, I had come to realize the meaninglessness of it all. Nothing here lasts, and nothing here stays. In death, even the most beautiful people become dust, and the rich, penniless. So then, should my life revolve around these things?

If I had never ached, I’d never have come to know the truth. In this life, whether knowingly or unknowingly, we’re all fighting the same battle. As beautiful as the concept of ‘world peace’ sounds, so as long as we live in this state of brokenness, it will remain unachievable. All I can do is empathize with others and offer my love, as I too, often times, struggle to do/say all the right things. It is only in God that I am able to find peace. In knowing His love, even an ‘ugly’ girl like me can be able to call herself beautiful.

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2 thoughts on “Confessions Of An Ugly Girl

  1. I am what people have made me – because they have rejected me, I agreed that there was some obvious flaw in my design or character. I let my fear of rejection rule my life for a long, long time. And now that I’m starting to step out of the darkness – people are criticizing me again for not living up to their expectations and their norms. It makes me want to retreat to the safety I had known when I was hiding from the world. If only people had made me better – believed in me – I might believe in myself. But I don’t because they didn’t. At this point, I don’t believe I can win the game – since the only moves I can make are all losing ones – then my mode is to avoid playing the game at all. It doesn’t score me any points out there – but at least it keeps me at an even keel.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Every single person out there has a flaw. There is not one person out there who is any better (or worse) than you. I too faced rejection (obviously) and it was not until I stopped trying to live based on what people think but on greater things (God), I was able to find peace. It is something I still struggle with at times, but it is prayer that continually pushes me to keep on going. The fact is, we all want to be loved (yes, even the people who criticize you). That is what makes rejection such a hard thing to deal with. It is a denial of what we all need – love and acceptance. The fact is, many people criticize/ reject others. Does it mean that the person is bad/unworthy? I certainly hope not, because most people who have fought or stood for anything good have been rejected by many. My point is – just because people say you are something, doesn’t mean you are something. You have to explore yourself, find what’s beautiful about you. Chances are, you think you are what people made you because you have become critical of your own self. The truth is, it IS a game you can’t win. But forfeiting the game doesn’t have to mean giving up on yourself. There is so much we all have to offer. Realize that the only reason you feel fear is because your brain is trying to protect you. It all takes time.


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