After making a conscious effort to change my pessimistic ways, I thought I had finally become the person I wanted to be – positive, kind and well…likeable. Now, I think it’s safe to say I was wrong.
For so long I’ve convinced myself that there would be no one who would accept me as I am, and that I was destined to be alone. I had no hope in others, and I had no hope in myself. This, I thought, was the reality, and I just had to accept it. I would always assume everyone had bad intentions.
Whenever I look back at all my experiences, I find that it is only the bitter parts that I choose to focus on. I realize now just how destructive this can be, both for me and those around me. Even so, I can understand it. How else can a mind like mine protect itself? All these memories serve as a reminder to not get my hopes up too high. But at what cost?
It would be foolish to think that no one ever has bad intentions, or that I would never hurt someone I love. But maybe, once in a while, I could stop focusing on whats wrong with humanity, and start focusing on what’s right.
There are fascinating people all around, and I desire to know them and to love them, even those who hate me. I want to connect with others, and unfortunately, my undying pessimism is not going to allow me to do that. Though I know that there are people with bad intentions, I know that there is also good, and I no longer wish to allow this fear to hold me back.
But for now, whether likeable or unlikeable, I am a pessimist, and I understand clearly why it has to be so. This is my process, and it requires patience. If I only allow myself to be patient, I know someday I’ll be able to find the peace I’ve been looking for.
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