School for me has been a bittersweet experience. On one hand, I’ve made wonderful memories there. On the other hand, I couldn’t wait to leave. Now here I am, once again, ready to embark on a new journey in my professional/ educational life.
I’m going to university.
Now to most, that doesn’t mean much. But to me, it means stepping out into the world again after a long period of pain, illness and agony.
In so many ways I’m grateful. Then there’s all this doubt and uncertainty from not having a clue how I, in my current state, will be able to keep up. There is a voice in my head that asks, what if you fail? What if nothing comes of this?
Over the years, I’ve gotten so used to thinking that I have to rely on myself; that I must be in control at all times. Now, even when I know better, it seems only the worst case scenario comes to my mind – I’m going to fail. Having dealt with these kind of thoughts for many good years, I’ve long come to the conclusion that they are simply not helpful in any way. If anything, they set you up for failure.
Now I’ve decided it – anything that happens, happens. I am not in control, nor am I alone in my fight. If all else fails, my faith will carry me through. All that I have to do is to what I must, and do it to the best of my ability. Gone are the days I beat myself for not being the best of the best or for not “proving myself worthy.”
Now I call death to the old me, the me who sought to find happiness in physical perfection and academic success, only to find that in doing so, life had become a vapid experience. Rather I welcome the joy I find in my relationship with Christ and vow to carry it with me wherever I go, never allowing people, illness or academics to define me, but rather doing what He has called me to do to the best of my ability.
As this chapter of my life, I must confess that I have many hopes and many fears. But I’ve seen it happen one too many times in my life to ignore it. Whenever I kept my faith, I saw miracles happen. Whatever life throws my way, this is the hope I cling to. I may be ill, and I may have no clue what I’m really doing, but what I do know is that my faith has always kept me going.
For anyone else struggling or hurting in any way, my message here is simple: just have faith. That is all you’ll ever need to do to make it through this life.
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