My Heart Breaks

Though my pride would not permit,

My jealousy, I must admit

Seeing you, my heart breaks

For all its foolish mistakes

For letting go and loving more

Your lovely smile I so adore

We work so well, you and I

Yet thinking of you, I only sigh

Not out of love, but out of fear

Knowing our ending is near

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Living With PTSD – A Confession

A few weeks ago, I met this nice young gentleman who clearly stated his interest in me. I, however, being somewhat scatterbrained, didn’t think or take much notice of this. Weeks later, I find myself getting more attached to this man than I ever imagined I would. The best part? The feeling’s mutual. What more could a girl ask for? Finally I’d graduated from fleeting high school romances to something real; at least, so I thought.

Things were going pretty well between us I’d say, but I knew it would only be a matter of time before all my fears and doubts would enter the picture. One day I’ll tell myself to stop thinking so much; just let go for once. The next day I’ll be crawling back inside my shell, wondering where all my bravery had gone. I try my best to keep on going anyway, but when it feels as if you’ve got ten different people living in my head, all fighting to be in control, falling in love – or doing anything, really – seems next to impossible.

After all, who can stand it? I can barely stand my own brain, so why should anyone else? Thoughts like these run through my mind until I feel as if I’ve been completely sucked dry, and all my progress seems to sink down the drain. Then once again, I regress and push away the ones I love most.

Surely it gets tiring, doing the same old thing over and over again. I believe that’s what they call insanity. Well, I’m angry. I’ve had enough, and I want out, but all of this seems to be just a shout in the void because a mind can’t be fixed in the same way a physical wound can. When a mind is damaged, it takes years to be rebuilt, and many times I’ve tired out my own patience. Thanks to PTSD, this is what my life has become, and it is a thing I’d wish upon no one.

But thanks to PTSD, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be open and honest, no longer living in the fear of falling in love and getting hurt. I want to fall deeply in love with life again, and embrace all the pain that comes along with it. I want to show the world who I really am and what I am capable of. I want to love with every inch of my soul; not holding anything back and I refuse to let PTSD stop me.

For a long time, this illness, as well as the mountains of stress I seem to be carrying these days, has taken me away from my writing, which I love so dearly. But thanks to illness, I have come to realize that the only way for me to heal is to let go and love. Thanks to PTSD, I was able to meet this wonderful guy and feel things that I’ve never felt before, and even if it doesn’t last, I can at least say that thanks to PTSD, I’ve tried.

Though I may never truly understand why I have post-traumatic disorder, I can safely say that my life has changed in unimaginable ways, and even in all the madness, through much prayer, I am able to find peace. If anything, this illness has been a wake up call for me; a chance to ask, “When will you ever truly start living?” The answer? Not when I overcome my illness, but now.

To whoever is reading this, whoever this resonates with, I want you to know that your illness doesn’t define you; that you’ve got a world of beauty within you, just waiting to be explored. Don’t let the darkness of this world steal your light.

Love,

D.

The Death of a Dream

I’ve hungered for this dream many years; kept my eyes on the prize since I was 13. It was then I decided I wanted to be just like the people on the TV screen; dressed to impress, delivering their lines effortlessly.

Reality hit when I was just starting college; when Mama told me only the pretty ones made it to TV. I was sure she really meant that I was too ugly for the big screen; even too ugly for anything really.

After college, I found my business degree got me right where I expected it to: working like a slave, obeying my boss’ every command.

One day, I came home and sat myself down on the couch to watch some TV. On came the image of an unimaginably beautiful woman; a woman I envied greatly. Then came a much less attractive woman; a woman who looked a bit like me. Before I knew it, I was crying, as if mourning the loss of the girl I used to be; the one who dared to dream.

Anger: The Lioness in Me

It was a difficult day for me. Having no real drive to go to school, I literally had to force myself to leave the house. The rest of the day was just about as bland as it usually was, but was at least tolerable. It was while I was taking my final class for the day that things really started to take a turn for the worse.

Have you ever met some people who seemed to scream, “I don’t like you,” without saying a word at all? At least their attitudes alone give you that impression, regardless of whether it is true or not. Today I had to face this bitter reality; the fact that not everyone is going to be nice to me, and that these are the people I find it hardest to love.

It is a habit of mine to make excuses for these people for the sake of not letting hatred build, but it only ends in me suppressing my anger. What do I do when it all builds? Where does it go? It remains there in my system, just growing and growing until finally, I explode.

This is unhealthy, obviously, and I’m fully aware, yet I’ve gotten so used to silently watching the world around me crumble that I hardly know what else to do.

I have always hated getting angry, but with all the suppressing I do, it only gets worse. But being the sensitive person I am, I’ve come to learn something about emotions: they all have a message to be heard. Anger is no different.

Slowly, I’m learning that it is okay to feel angry. Soon I hope to learn how to express that anger appropriately and effectively. For now, I’ll take it one day at a time.

Original date: Oct. 23, 2017

Thoughts of You

How long will it last

These fantasies of mine?

They fill my head both day & night

Thoughts of you; your sweet embrace 

It fills my heart with fright

For as much as I delight in them

I know they are but distractions to me

An escape from person I am & from the one I used to be.

On A Rainy Day

There’s something about a dark, cloudy sky that gets me in the mood for a good cry.  These moments I often find a little strange; even a little poetic.

I only wish that I could find the words to capture all the wonderful things I’ve experienced exploring the world and all its mysteries in my wildly curious, overly imaginative mind. Often I find my words to be inadequate.

Happy Monday everyone •••

The Setting Sun

As I gaze upon the setting sun

My weary soul finds its rest


Happy Friday everyone! Remember to take time to relax and reflect. 

Quite a lot has been happening lately; so much that it seems I can hardly find time for myself. 

I must confess, I really miss taking the time to share my thoughts on this platform. I hope that soon, I will be able to get back to posting consistently. 

Until then, I pray that you all may find rest, even in the midst of your storms. 

Stay strong. Keep fighting.

Love,

Dainelle

Survival: The Beating of a Heart

Have you ever gotten so caught up in the madness that you can’t seem to find time for yourself? Have you ever felt stuck in a routine, like a robot or a puppet on a string? 

In my fight to calm the ever raging waters of my mind, I’ve learned the best remedy: letting go, and admitting that there’s nothing I can do. 

Time and time again, I’ve seen how powerful stepping back and simply having faith can be, but I’d be lying if I said I always put my words into action. 

More times than I can count, I’ve lost myself in the madness, stressing over anything and everything that I could feel stressed about, forgetting to step back and slow things down a bit.

Sometimes it’s so easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle that even trying to get your body and mind back to a calmer state can seem impossible. But by just taking myself away for moment, focusing on my own breathing and the rhythmic beating of my heart, whispering a short prayer, I’m able to find peace in the midst of the madness.

Perhaps one of the most beautiful things about life is moments like this; finding time to rest in the midst of the storm, and finding a sense of purpose again. 

Whoever you are, wherever you may be, always remember to take a moment to slow down. Breathe in, breathe out, listen to the beating of your heart, whatever works for you! Just take a moment to remember why you are here, and surely, soon enough, you’ll be ready to bravely face the world again.

Numb

Sentenced to life by the judge in my head

Only on the basis of good behaviour may my freedom be bought

Now guilt eats at my soul, tearing me apart

Constantly reminding me of my yesterdays

So I try, with all my might, to be good

Yet day after day,  the more I try, the more mistakes I make

So, drowning in shame, I hide within myself

Allowing numbness to take my place

But now and again, I return, growing bolder

 

For it is better to feel pain

Than to feel nothing at all

 

A Month Without The Internet

In all the time I’ve spent blogging, never would I ever have thought that I would have to go without it for a whole month.

For the past few weeks, I’ve had to make use of my school’s WiFi. Otherwise, the occasional trip to my sister’s house would have to suffice. In all the chaos, having started university a few weeks ago and having an oh-so-convenient internet shortage, I could hardly find time for myself, let alone any time for blogging.

While the experience has been far from a pleasant one, in the end, I was able to learn something. In trying times, one must find time to reconnect with oneself, and, as in my case, one’s spiritual side.

For the past year, my blog has served as the place I go to dump all my thoughts; the good, the bad and the ugly. Novel writing, on the other hand, has long served as my escape from it all. Now that I’ve gone long enough without both, I realize just how much writing means to me.

Finally, yesterday, I sat myself down and started working on a chapter of my long-abandoned book draft after playing (not-so-eloquently) a short piece by the keyboard as a sort of starting point for catharsis. By the time I was done, I felt emptied, free and like myself again.

Now that I have found the time to write, all I can say is, how dull life would be without it. Music and literature have long become my refuge. Now I see just how valuable they are to me, and I am more than happy to return to blogging to share my thoughts with the world again because I know well the power words hold.

Special thanks to all my followers for the support. Please note that Human is now available on Amazon for free, now & forever.

See link: Human