Living With PTSD – A Confession

A few weeks ago, I met this nice young gentleman who clearly stated his interest in me. I, however, being somewhat scatterbrained, didn’t think or take much notice of this. Weeks later, I find myself getting more attached to this man than I ever imagined I would. The best part? The feeling’s mutual. What more could a girl ask for? Finally I’d graduated from fleeting high school romances to something real; at least, so I thought.

Things were going pretty well between us I’d say, but I knew it would only be a matter of time before all my fears and doubts would enter the picture. One day I’ll tell myself to stop thinking so much; just let go for once. The next day I’ll be crawling back inside my shell, wondering where all my bravery had gone. I try my best to keep on going anyway, but when it feels as if you’ve got ten different people living in my head, all fighting to be in control, falling in love – or doing anything, really – seems next to impossible.

After all, who can stand it? I can barely stand my own brain, so why should anyone else? Thoughts like these run through my mind until I feel as if I’ve been completely sucked dry, and all my progress seems to sink down the drain. Then once again, I regress and push away the ones I love most.

Surely it gets tiring, doing the same old thing over and over again. I believe that’s what they call insanity. Well, I’m angry. I’ve had enough, and I want out, but all of this seems to be just a shout in the void because a mind can’t be fixed in the same way a physical wound can. When a mind is damaged, it takes years to be rebuilt, and many times I’ve tired out my own patience. Thanks to PTSD, this is what my life has become, and it is a thing I’d wish upon no one.

But thanks to PTSD, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be open and honest, no longer living in the fear of falling in love and getting hurt. I want to fall deeply in love with life again, and embrace all the pain that comes along with it. I want to show the world who I really am and what I am capable of. I want to love with every inch of my soul; not holding anything back and I refuse to let PTSD stop me.

For a long time, this illness, as well as the mountains of stress I seem to be carrying these days, has taken me away from my writing, which I love so dearly. But thanks to illness, I have come to realize that the only way for me to heal is to let go and love. Thanks to PTSD, I was able to meet this wonderful guy and feel things that I’ve never felt before, and even if it doesn’t last, I can at least say that thanks to PTSD, I’ve tried.

Though I may never truly understand why I have post-traumatic disorder, I can safely say that my life has changed in unimaginable ways, and even in all the madness, through much prayer, I am able to find peace. If anything, this illness has been a wake up call for me; a chance to ask, “When will you ever truly start living?” The answer? Not when I overcome my illness, but now.

To whoever is reading this, whoever this resonates with, I want you to know that your illness doesn’t define you; that you’ve got a world of beauty within you, just waiting to be explored. Don’t let the darkness of this world steal your light.

Love,

D.

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Anger: The Lioness in Me

It was a difficult day for me. Having no real drive to go to school, I literally had to force myself to leave the house. The rest of the day was just about as bland as it usually was, but was at least tolerable. It was while I was taking my final class for the day that things really started to take a turn for the worse.

Have you ever met some people who seemed to scream, “I don’t like you,” without saying a word at all? At least their attitudes alone give you that impression, regardless of whether it is true or not. Today I had to face this bitter reality; the fact that not everyone is going to be nice to me, and that these are the people I find it hardest to love.

It is a habit of mine to make excuses for these people for the sake of not letting hatred build, but it only ends in me suppressing my anger. What do I do when it all builds? Where does it go? It remains there in my system, just growing and growing until finally, I explode.

This is unhealthy, obviously, and I’m fully aware, yet I’ve gotten so used to silently watching the world around me crumble that I hardly know what else to do.

I have always hated getting angry, but with all the suppressing I do, it only gets worse. But being the sensitive person I am, I’ve come to learn something about emotions: they all have a message to be heard. Anger is no different.

Slowly, I’m learning that it is okay to feel angry. Soon I hope to learn how to express that anger appropriately and effectively. For now, I’ll take it one day at a time.

Original date: Oct. 23, 2017

On A Rainy Day

There’s something about a dark, cloudy sky that gets me in the mood for a good cry.  These moments I often find a little strange; even a little poetic.

I only wish that I could find the words to capture all the wonderful things I’ve experienced exploring the world and all its mysteries in my wildly curious, overly imaginative mind. Often I find my words to be inadequate.

Happy Monday everyone •••

The Setting Sun

As I gaze upon the setting sun

My weary soul finds its rest


Happy Friday everyone! Remember to take time to relax and reflect. 

Quite a lot has been happening lately; so much that it seems I can hardly find time for myself. 

I must confess, I really miss taking the time to share my thoughts on this platform. I hope that soon, I will be able to get back to posting consistently. 

Until then, I pray that you all may find rest, even in the midst of your storms. 

Stay strong. Keep fighting.

Love,

Dainelle

Survival: The Beating of a Heart

Have you ever gotten so caught up in the madness that you can’t seem to find time for yourself? Have you ever felt stuck in a routine, like a robot or a puppet on a string? 

In my fight to calm the ever raging waters of my mind, I’ve learned the best remedy: letting go, and admitting that there’s nothing I can do. 

Time and time again, I’ve seen how powerful stepping back and simply having faith can be, but I’d be lying if I said I always put my words into action. 

More times than I can count, I’ve lost myself in the madness, stressing over anything and everything that I could feel stressed about, forgetting to step back and slow things down a bit.

Sometimes it’s so easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle that even trying to get your body and mind back to a calmer state can seem impossible. But by just taking myself away for moment, focusing on my own breathing and the rhythmic beating of my heart, whispering a short prayer, I’m able to find peace in the midst of the madness.

Perhaps one of the most beautiful things about life is moments like this; finding time to rest in the midst of the storm, and finding a sense of purpose again. 

Whoever you are, wherever you may be, always remember to take a moment to slow down. Breathe in, breathe out, listen to the beating of your heart, whatever works for you! Just take a moment to remember why you are here, and surely, soon enough, you’ll be ready to bravely face the world again.

A Month Without The Internet

In all the time I’ve spent blogging, never would I ever have thought that I would have to go without it for a whole month.

For the past few weeks, I’ve had to make use of my school’s WiFi. Otherwise, the occasional trip to my sister’s house would have to suffice. In all the chaos, having started university a few weeks ago and having an oh-so-convenient internet shortage, I could hardly find time for myself, let alone any time for blogging.

While the experience has been far from a pleasant one, in the end, I was able to learn something. In trying times, one must find time to reconnect with oneself, and, as in my case, one’s spiritual side.

For the past year, my blog has served as the place I go to dump all my thoughts; the good, the bad and the ugly. Novel writing, on the other hand, has long served as my escape from it all. Now that I’ve gone long enough without both, I realize just how much writing means to me.

Finally, yesterday, I sat myself down and started working on a chapter of my long-abandoned book draft after playing (not-so-eloquently) a short piece by the keyboard as a sort of starting point for catharsis. By the time I was done, I felt emptied, free and like myself again.

Now that I have found the time to write, all I can say is, how dull life would be without it. Music and literature have long become my refuge. Now I see just how valuable they are to me, and I am more than happy to return to blogging to share my thoughts with the world again because I know well the power words hold.

Special thanks to all my followers for the support. Please note that Human is now available on Amazon for free, now & forever.

See link: Human

The Writing Desk – Book Review

The Writing Desk tells two unique, but oddly connected tales – one of Tenley Roth, an award-winning author from modern-day New York, and one of Birdie Shehorn, a young woman from the Gilded Age who dreams of becoming a published author.

The story starts with Tenley, who gets a call from her estranged mother, Blanche, requesting she pay a visit. Leaving New York for Florida, Tenley is left to face her sick mother, the fast approaching deadline of her second book, and an unanswered proposal.

During her stay, she discovers a desk. Quickly she grows fond of it. This discovery marks the beginning of her journey to finding true love and spiritual awakening. Soon she meets Jonas Sullivan, a handsome furniture designer who had already purchased the desk, but after long protest, handed over the desk’s rights to her. With his help, in its drawer she finds Birdie Shehorn’s manuscript, and in Jonas’s company, she finds unexpected friendship.

As the two women’s stories intercept, Birdie’s strong character is revealed in her refusal to marry for money, but rather, love, despite the pressures that surrounded her in the aristocratic society she lived in. Despite being world’s apart, both Birdie and Tenley, in their troubles, learn the true meaning of love and the beauty of growing spiritually.

Two recurrent themes in this book are love and forgiveness. While I feel Tenley’s love story was a little rushed, I enjoyed seeing all the characters contribute to her growth. Her story beautifully depicts how through love, forgiveness and spiritual maturity, broken relationships can be mended. Birdie’s story painted a wonderful, realistic picture of what true love looked like in an aristocratic society.

With a fair amount of romance and drama, the author seems to cater particularly to a young female audience, though I find this book also to be suitable for more mature audiences. While this is a Christian fiction book, it does appear to be tailored to fit the mainstream market, though it does not to abandon its title altogether.

Most references to sex/sexual desire are subtle and not taken too far, though there are moments when tension builds. Overall the book did contain a biblical message of love and forgiveness, but was not as spiritually-focused as I originally expected.

Birdie’s story sold this book for me, but I do believe it is Tenley’s story that ties it all together. In the end, it all boils down to the reader’s taste.

-A big thank you to NetGalley & Thomas Nelson for providing me with a review copy in exchange for an honest review.

The Writing Desk by Rachel Hauck

 

A New Chapter In Life

School for me has been a bittersweet experience. On one hand, I’ve made wonderful memories there. On the other hand, I couldn’t wait to leave. Now here I am, once again, ready to embark on a new journey in my professional/ educational life.

I’m going to university.

Now to most, that doesn’t mean much. But to me, it means stepping out into the world again after a long period of pain, illness and agony.

In so many ways I’m grateful. Then there’s all this doubt and uncertainty from not having a clue how I, in my current state, will be able to keep up. There is a voice in my head that asks, what if you fail? What if nothing comes of this?

Over the years, I’ve gotten so used to thinking that I have to rely on myself; that I must be in control at all times. Now, even when I know better, it seems only the worst case scenario comes to my mind – I’m going to fail. Having dealt with these kind of thoughts for many good years, I’ve long come to the conclusion that they are simply not helpful in any way. If anything, they set you up for failure.

Now I’ve decided it – anything that happens, happens. I am not in control, nor am I alone in my fight. If all else fails, my faith will carry me through. All that I have to do is to what I must, and do it to the best of my ability. Gone are the days I beat myself for not being the best of the best or for not “proving myself worthy.”

Now I call death to the old me, the me who sought to find happiness in physical perfection and academic success, only to find that in doing so, life had become a vapid experience. Rather I welcome the joy I find in my relationship with Christ and vow to carry it with me wherever I go, never allowing people, illness or academics to define me, but rather doing what He has called me to do to the best of my ability.

As this chapter of my life, I must confess that I have many hopes and many fears. But I’ve seen it happen one too many times in my life to ignore it. Whenever I kept my faith, I saw miracles happen. Whatever life throws my way, this is the hope I cling to. I may be ill, and I may have no clue what I’m really doing, but  what I do know is that my faith has always kept me going.

For anyone else struggling or hurting in any way, my message here is simple: just have faith. That is all you’ll ever need to do to make it through this life.


@dainellewrites

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The Mystery Blogger Award

Recently I was nominated for The Mystery Blogger Award by a faithful reader of mine, WelcomeToRealti. She has been supporting me since the beginning and I am ever so grateful. I thank her for nominating me for this award.

So, what is the Mystery Blogger Award?
As defined by the creator of this award, the Mystery Blogger Award is “an award for amazing bloggers with ingenious posts.” Now who could ask for a better compliment?

(Special thanks to Okoto Enigma for creating this lovely award!)

RULES

  1. Put the award logo/image on your blog
  2. List the rules.
  3. Thank whoever nominated you and provide a link to their blog.
  4. Mention the creator of the award and provide a link as well
  5. Tell your readers 3 things about yourself
  6. You have to nominate 10 – 20 people
  7. Notify your nominees by commenting on their blog
  8. Ask your nominees any 5 questions of your choice; with one weird or funny question (specify)
  9. Share a link to your best post(s)

 

3 Facts About Me

  1. I am a blogger (obviously) and a fiction writer. Writing allows me to express myself freely and personally, I like to mix fiction with a little truth.
  2. I am an art lover. I sometimes have eccentric taste.
  3. I am a Bible-believing Christian. As I continue on my spiritual journey, I hope to grow more in faith.

 

My Answers (Questions By Welcometorealiti)

1. Who inspires you the most to keep doing what you do?

This probably isn’t the most conventional answer, but God inspires me to keep on writing. If not for Him, I wouldn’t have been able to make it this far. Through my writing, I’d like to tell the world of His love, whether directly or indirectly. With this goal in mind, I am able to remain focused and inspired.

2. What is your biggest regret?

My biggest regret is being too critical of myself in my early teens.

3. What do you want your blog to represent to you and to others?

I want my blog to represent hope, both to myself and to others.

4. What are you most proud of so far in your life?

I wouldn’t necessarily call it being proud, but I am happy that I was able to overcome my agoraphobia.

5. What’s your favorite word?

Ethereal. I guess.

My Questions for Nominees

1.When did you first start blogging?

2. What do you blog about?

3. What do you like to do in your free time?

4. If there was one thing that you could change about your life, what would it be?

5. What’s your favourite body part? (weird question, as requested by award creator)

My Nominees

IndieSongLyrics

Moiline

Her Unusual Journey

Picnic With Ants

Rekha Sahay

Girl From Ghana

Writer Lady

Chasing Kites In Neverland

Jeanette

Youtopia

My Best Posts (Views/ Likes)

Dear Someone

A Life Of Purpose

Life Is A Journey – Therapeutic Travel

 

My Kpop Divorce

As a young teenager, the only kind of music I allowed myself to listen to was rock/metal. I loved these genres for the simple fact that no other could accurately express what it was really like to be an angry teen who didn’t quite fit with the rest. This was quite a stretch from what I listened to previously – mainstream pop.

Years later, being in a much better state of mind, I returned to my old habit of listening to poppy tunes, only this time, those with a different flavour. Not too long ago, I started listening to kpop. Kpop in and of itself wasn’t so foreign to me as I, as a young girl, had listened occasionally listened to some songs from well-known girl groups. As I reconnected with my happier self, I began to explore this pop world a little more, and discovered one particular boy band, one which quickly worked its way into my heart.

The icing on the cake for me was the fact that as charismatic as the members were in front of a camera, behind the scenes, they were just as quirky as I was. But as I continued watching their videos and listening to their songs, I started to feel something wasn’t right.

So as much as felt entertained by these people, our hearts were not in the same place. Their songs, good looks and charisma were enough to give me a kind of high, but at the end of the day, it was about what I wanted in life. I wanted to live a meaningful life, yet all I was filling my head with was distraction. As I allowed myself to get sucked in this superficial kind of world, consequentially, I too became a little superficial myself.

The deal breaker for me was watching a video with very strange imagery and realizing that even though the masses had no idea what it meant, they loved it. Why is this such a bad thing? Because even though one would normally question something so eerie and suggestive of something of a darker nature, all they could see was a pretty face. Even I, though usually weary of these things, would ignore what I couldn’t understand for the sake of being entertained.

Nowadays, I choose to live life a little more authentically; a life without distraction. Listening to music that actually reflects my faith and who I am, I feel a little more sober-minded and at peace. Whilst I do think there are talented people in the kpop industry, I hate to think that I would have to continually feed my mind things that contradicted all the things I stood for to enjoy it, even only for the sake of seeing a pretty face. Surely a person is worth more than that.


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@dainellewrites